Being the unsuccessful friend.

This is how your life has fizzled out.

Just the other day, you were a whimsy little kid, carefree in demeanor, muddy play dates and mischievous escapades were the order of the day. You had a pack of friends, high on life and together you were chock full of dreams and ambition. As maturity kicked in, dreams became not just a plaything, but something seriously worth considering. You and the pack were transitioning to adulthood, and you developed an impressive array of goals. Ideas were discussed, would be solutions brainstormed for current problems, constant debates carried out, this was all part of a brilliant idea to change the world and in the process leave a positive imprint.

As the years swing by, you and your pack scatter. Some would call it life, as it happens. You get to attend different colleges, with others moving to a different city or country altogether. A sudden death of one from the pack brings you together. Shattering how short and unfair life can be. For such a young soul, still jam-packed with dreams and world-changing ability, to be viciously snatched at the prime of his life. But then the show must go on, right? Death is, after all, a great part of life. And along the way, you do meet again, this time for a wedding, a birthday party, a graduation, everything spelling happy memories.

In between these happy and sad events though, life takes over. You are human, you have your challenges. You make your own fair share of stupid decisions along the way, they come back, sometimes to collect where it stings the most. You are down and out, or so you think. ( hold that thought. )

And one morning as you hurriedly drink your coffee, while half concentrating on the news channel because you are late for your crappy job, you hear that a young man has been appointed as CEO to one of the most prestigious companies in the country. As you watch apathetically, something clicks. “Wait a second!, shucks I know this guy. ” Of course, you do, he was part of your pack. Now he is accomplishing great things, “a mover and a shaker” , they say. When your mother calls later, she casually asks if you watched the morning news. “Isn’t that one of your friends from across the road?” she asks. She knows pretty well he is, they may have moved away when you were still kids but she damn well knows it is him. And in that moment, you sense an accusing tone in her line of questioning. As if she is saying, “so what happened to you. Why is he up there, and you are still trying to figure things out down here? Where did I go wrong with you?”

So then you start thinking about how you lost your groove and your friends. How you withdrew when things were not falling into place as fast as you wanted. As you saw your friends settle in their comfortable careers, and marriages, travelling all around the world, the green monster was slowly revealing its ugly fangs. You didn’t understand or like the idea of being the jealous loser friend, so you quietly backed away. You remember how an annoying woman, whose relation to your mother you have never understood in the first place, who you call, “aunty” because your mother insists, came by the house and offered to take you to her church prophet so that he can tell you why you are not making it in life. With a respectful tone lacking in all forms of sincerity, you thanked her but declined her offer, just to wonder years later if you should have just gone with her, despite your loathing of these religious so-called “man of God. ” Without realizing it, you have become the “unsuccessful friend.” The one whose opinion does not matter, the one who can never pay for a round of drinks because he is behind in rental payments, the one who cannot even attend a high school or college reunion, because he does not have anything to show after so many years, the one who cannot comment on any posts of social media for fear of being recognized and pulled out from the hole they are hiding in.

Now here is the worst thing about this whole situation. Your friends have never described you as their “unsuccessful friend”. They probably don’t even think that of you. It shows in their constant checking up, asking what you are doing. They are not being nosy, they just think because of the brilliant person they know you to be, that you are doing something big, and they want to be there in support when it pans out. The enemy is yourself. You are the one who has given up on life and given yourself this label. You feel pity for yourself, and you cannot handle another person pitying you as well, it’s degrading. As life is yet to teach you, people treat you in accordance with how you view yourself. If you think you are awesome, people will treat you like they would treat an awesome person. If you think you are a loser, they will treat you like they would a loser.

I have been the “unsuccessful friend” for five years. Well, it is almost past tense now, as it is still a work in progress. Self-inflicted negative words have an eroding effect on one’s confidence and potential. So getting out of that zone can be a really tough battle, you have to be strong, be kind to yourself, pick and dust yourself up. This is a blog I wanted to write when I had completely broken out of the rubble. I wanted to write a testimony and show people that I have done it, but hell, why wait? I am already doing it anyway, I might as well help cheer on someone who is still stuck in the dingy “unsuccessful friend” zone.

This is one of the topics that we avoid, especially when we feel beaten up and defeated by life. Many of us self wallow and disappear into the unknown, never attempting to rekindle the dreams and ambitions we once had. I am a strong believer in the fact that you cannot envision something you are not capable of doing. The fact that you haven’t achieved it does not take anything from your capability of doing so. Now being stuck in the shadow of being an unsuccessful friend can be a serious stumbling block in one’s progress in life. One that needs discipline and perseverance to overcome.

So what is it going to be, an unsuccessful friend for life or the break out of the rubble friend? Only you can decide.