The idea that men should make the first move is overrated.

So I was listening to a certain pastor whose name I’ve forgotten the other day. The man of God was delivering a nice motivational speech, encouraging women, and along the way, he tells women that they are queens. According to the pastor, a queen does not chase after a man or make a move on a man. The man should call first, and if he does not, the woman should never think of calling, because that tarnishes her “queen” status. I liked the motivational talk, till he got to that part.

I have a difficulty accepting things for the way they have always been, no questions asked.Sure if it’s not broken it does not need fixing,and yes there is a reason for everything and all that, but i think sometimes we need to question and challenge some of these long standing rules.

Now I have no problem with the “Queen” part. Yes, women are jewels, and I like it if men realise and appreciate that. Here is my bone of contention, why does the man always have to be the one to make the first move on a woman. Why not the woman sometimes. I mean why can’t a woman make a move on a man without being made to feel like the scum of the earth. Why is it deemed so undignified for a woman to simply express her feelings, which by the way come naturally as a result of being human like it is for the man? Why is it suddenly degrading when a woman makes the first call, why must she even wait days before she can call, why not call on the first day?

Because men love the chase, because men are natural born hunters , they value you more if they pursue you.Because women’s feminine qualities are receptive, while the man’s masculine qualities are forward and proactive in nature.I know this is the part where psychologists and counsellors throw in their two cents worth of reasons why women should never ever make the first move.

From a non-psychological, unresearched, unapproved but purely personal point of view, I think it’s high time we challenge the status quo. Women should join the game and do the chasing from time to time.

By now you may be thinking this woman is going bananas, but just read on and hear me out. However while im still here, I want to break the laws of English writing and give my conclusion right away.The idea of men having to make the first move is completely overrated ,and if i may add,to a certain degree grossly unfair.

The unfortunate problem of more single women.

The next time a woman tells you she is single, (I am talking about an ideal type of woman here, I am not about to go into debate about character and all that shenanigan).Consider the fact that the woman may be single, not because there are no men queuing up for her, not because she has issues or she is abnormal, but maybe because she would rather be single than just settle for just any type of man that shows interest in her. The thing is, this woman may already have her “ideal man” on her radar, she probably sees and talks to that man on a regular basis, but she will always look on from a distance because the man in this equation is oblivious of the woman’s interest. So where does this leave the “Queen”, who has been told that it is unladylike make a move on men? , Single.

If it had been a man who was interested in the oblivious woman, he would go for her,regardless of the fact that she does not notice him, make his intentions clear and the woman would probably after a bit of persuasion and getting to know the man agree to be in a relationship with him.Easy peasy?Probably not, but achievable.

Come to think of it, how many times have you deprived yourself of love simply because you were scared of letting a man know how you feel.I can’t blame any woman who has had this dilemma , God knows i am the biggest loser when it comes to this topic.We have been taught as women to sit ,look pretty , prepare yourself for the perfect partner,work on yourself so that by the time he comes he finds you ready and totally girlfriend or wife material.And sometimes those men are not even boyfriend or husband material when they do come, and then you as the woman, have to work again to make that man someone worth building a life with.For what reason should women have to go through this.Why can’t a woman be allowed to go to a man and say, “listen, i like you, i think you and i could be good together because of this and that.”

What choice do women have when it comes to choosing a partner?

You see we are pre -occupied with other people’s cultures, noticing the specks and imperfections in their way of doing things , yet we ignore our own issues.How many times have we scorned cultures that still practice the custom of arranged marriages.We go on about how unfair and archaic it is. “Oh at least i get to choose who i spend my life with,”you say.

Do you really? Here is how I see it, in a shop full of clothes, the woman is presented with a selected few, and told to choose only from those. She sees the sequin dress by the corner, it’s pretty and more of her style, but it’s not among the rack of clothing presented to her, so she must act as if she hasn’t noticed it, or just admire it from a distance, never mind the fact that she can afford it.She has been presented with jeans, and suits, which are all cool and nice, but she would have liked to have more options.She would have wanted to walk out in the sequin dress.

Then comes the man, to the same shop..A rack of clothing is presented to him,as done for the woman.However his choice is not only limited to that rack, he sees the suit that he probably doesn’t afford at the far end, he likes it.So he starts to negotiate for the suit that was not part of the rack he was given, he does not sound cheap as he negotiates, until finally, he leaves the shop with his nice and expensive suit, a happy and satisfied man.Both the man and woman had choices here,no one was forced to take what they did not want, but clearly, the woman had a limited choice.

The point i am trying to bring across here, is that women have a choice only from the men who approach them.The rest are off limits.Whereas if they get afforded a chance to go for the man standing shyly by the corner, the one who hasn’t noticed her, even though she has been eyeing him, then we have a fair playing ground.By now you could be snorting a come back along the lines of, “if he didn’t approach you,then he’s just not that into you.”Well, yeah right!How many people have you thought at face value you couldn’t stand, only to realise they are the most fun, intelligent people you could have ever known.Im in the business of reading books,not judging them by their cover, and so are many other people out there,they just need a chance to get to know the real you and they will come along.

Lets get it over and done with already .

As a woman, you are expected to wait for the man to make a move, call first, be the first to tell you that he likes you. If there is a man you are interested in and you want him to notice you, there are a lot of magazine articles, books and movies to help you out, titles like, “how to get him to notice you, how to make him realise you are the one, how to get him to make a move on you, what turns men off about women.”

There is no worse feeling than constantly checking your phone for messages , checking if the network is on, scrambling to reach out for your phone when you hear the beep of a message , only to see it’s a goddamned MTN message, informing you that you have used 50% of your data bundle.

For crying out loud, why can’t you just tell him.Why go through all the acting and signal dishing. “You seem desperate if you chase a man.”, they say.Who comes up with these rules anyway?I mean since when is knowing what you want and taking steps to get it an act of desperation.I’d say desperation is settling for a man you would not have ordinarily been with, because your “type” did not ask you out.

I did say in the beginning that I have trouble accepting rules for what they are.Some conventional methods of doing things are quite a drag sometimes.So for those about to tell me that some things should just be left as they are, i am stopping you in your tracks. There are women out there who die in silence, shamed by emotions and feelings they do not know how to address, this is reality.

A word of advice, only to be taken by the brave and carefree woman. If you know the man you like and you are sure of yourself, go for him. But leave room for some disappointment as well. Why wouldn’t you? The same way you are uninterested in some of your suitors, your crush can also shock you by letting it known that he is not in a tidbit interested. There is a high possibility though that you may have struck the perfect spot, and you get your happy ending. Women deserve happy endings. Find your own.