Maybe I should learn to shut up..

This is how my day kicks off, most of the time..

I wake up, stand by the mirror, or as I am still lying in bed, repeat a daily mantra that goes something like this, “I am beautiful, I am confident, I am intelligent, I am respectful, I command respect, I am successful.” These affirmations have been revised a few times, but generally, this holds the core. They have had such variations as, “I am a hard worker, I am tolerant, I am honest, etc.” When I started, I looked into the areas in which I lacked and these are the values I wanted to adopt for myself.

I was introduced to this concept about a year ago and I decided to implement the use of affirmations into my everyday life. It has worked out quite a bit, I mean my outlook on life and my personality is not the same as it was in February 2019. If I have to be honest with myself, however, I should mention that my mantra chanting mornings have only resulted in mediocre results so far. As I have been evaluating my progress this past month, I realised there has to be something improper about the way I am doing this. It had to be me because I am fully convinced of the effectiveness of affirmations.

You see here is the thing about affirmations. They have the power to influence your subconscious mind. As you may or may not know, the brain is divided into two elements, if I may say in layman’s terms. That is the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. As I am typing this right now, I am awake, and my conscious mind is at play. This particular part of the brain is the one that influences or commands the subconscious mind. What the conscious mind says, the subconscious takes subjectively with no questioning or reasoning. So if my conscious mind says in the morning, “I am successful”, and then two hours later I utter the words, ” I can not do this, it’s too hard”, my subconscious is not going to kick into reason and say, “No no, no! you just said this in the morning.” It takes the new information and stores it right up until action time.

The subconscious mind takes care of your everyday life emotions. Happiness, love, fear, anxiety, you name it. These emotions, it has stored up to be released when it thinks it’s the right time to release them. The emotions are influenced by the words you say consciously, the things you listen to, read or see. So when in a conscious state, you have always said some negative words even in a joking manner, the subconscious mind has been storing these and creating emotions that will run your life. If for example you always say, even jokingly, “I can not swim, because I am afraid of water, I can not breathe underwater, water freaks me out” (that’s an example directed at me because that’s what I have always told myself). The day you decide to jump into the water and finally learn to swim, fear creeps in, the subconscious mind starts to remind you of all these phobias that you have. Why? because your conscious mind told your subconscious of your fear, and it stored up that information with regards to swimming so that when swimming time came it was ready to release those fear emotions that you said you have. Your conscious mind could have forgotten about that, as it does forget. However, one thing about the subconscious is that it does not forget. Whatever you feed it, it stores. The funny thing is that sometimes you could have even exaggerated fears to your friends, you were probably even joking, right? Well, that part of your brain does not get jokes, it does not reason, it just stores. Better watch those words next time.

The unfortunate part is that even though our conscious mind commands the subconscious mind when it comes to every day making of decisions, the subconscious mind has the upper hand. Research says the subconscious mind controls our lives up to 95% of the time. The good news, however, is that, if your conscious mind feeds the unconscious mind rightly, the best thing that can ever happen to you is your subconscious mind controlling your actions. If it had been engraved in your subconscious that you are a very brave person, and you have been supporting this with your words, you are yet to display the bravest act of your life.

Now back to why affirmations haven’t been wholly working for me. Take a guess.

After saying these wonderful affirmations, my day takes a whole different twist. I work in a fine dining restaurant, I am a waitress there. I love the job, but there is one downside, the money is very bad. See what I have already done? I have exaggerated, the money is not always that bad, in fact, I do make enough, especially when I put my A-game and give good service. Yet when people ask me about my job I always tell them all is well except for the peanuts I get. Now, this is someone who was busy chanting about how successful she is in the morning.

If I am not complaining about the peanuts I get, I am complaining about my bosses, or how bad the economy is, or what a bad job government is doing. My subconscious mind quickly forgets about the one minute of repeating affirmations in the morning. And when I decide to take action do something worthwhile in my life, it kicks in to say, “Eerrr, sorry, bad economy, bad government, selfish and cruel bosses, the system will eat you up, honey.” That’s fear now, and I hesitate.

How did we get here? It was me, busy saying things I do not know because I found a group of friends complaining about the government and I wanted to look smart and show that I also read the news. This started with me quickly opening my mouth without thinking and saying, “I am so broke, I don’t even know how I am going to pay rent this month, some people are lucky, I have bad luck.” And most of the times those negative words I say are not even true. It’s just that everyone else is complaining that their money situation is dire, so I also have to make them feel better, I believe, by telling them that we are in the same boat. It doesn’t matter why I said it. The bottom line is that I said it, and Mr subconscious says, “oh! Storage, storage, storage, I will release this when money time comes.”

That’s it, folks, I am done. If we are to talk about how ridiculous the Crocodile’s scarves are and how he has messed up Zimbabwe, I am out. I know all that, so what? Let’s talk problems with the idea of finding solutions, then, and only then, am I joining the party. I am done sabotaging myself.

So maybe i should learn to shut up, and talk only when i know how to properly feed my subconscious mind.

(PART 2) FOMO on new years resolutions

(This is a continuation from the blog post the dungeon of emotional unavailability.)

We sit staring at the distance between us, an observer would swear that small space has solidified and taken some form of shape, the tense kind to be cut by a knife.

“Beautiful year,2020, isn’t it, I nervously crack in.” A momentary silence, I wonder if I was not loud enough, but I am not willing to repeat myself. It could be that you found a familiarity in the silence, in which case I would be fine with that. As I am still basking in the possibility of being left in peace, you interject.

“Beautiful?, I don’t know. I don’t know what I am to do with myself. All I know is that we are in 2020 now, but two weeks ago was 2019. It’s not like 2018 did not happen either! So why do people suddenly act like with the beginning of the new year all other things from the previous year fall off? I swear all around me are the new year, new me chants, I feel unambitious for not joining in, but also feel like a fraud if I jump in. Am I crazy for not being ready with an answer if someone asks me what my resolutions for 2020 are? Have I doomed myself for failure for not having them all panned out?”

I have a puzzled face, I think, I see it reflected in your eyes. Now I feel uneasy, I don’t know what is worse, me listening or me talking. I have absolutely nothing to say. You and I are in the same boat. I feel confused more than ever by this new year. Although with me it has been a blind and dutiful following of the new year, new me song, I sincerely don’t know what the new me is supposed to be. How about the old me? Why is the old me suddenly intolerable in the new year? Why can’t I just build up and develop the old me? Can my personality really keep up with changes every year? Would it not be better for me to focus on the positive things I have been doing and failing at this whole time? How about I focus on the person I have been trying to build up for the past year, no timelines, no pressures. Will I seem like I do not take life seriously?

“I think so much uniformity is placed on the need to come up with new year’s resolutions,”you obliviously continue. “It’s like there is an unwritten code guiding everyone on how to harmoniously follow them. So what if I draft mine in March?do I get penalised for not being in solidarity with the well discerning human race? You see I would like to measure my success by what I do every day instead, rather than by a year. What is in a year? Days isn’t? so if the year ends and I still haven’t fulfilled my resolutions what does that make me? Shouldnt that be for me to decide?”

Your scattered way of venting makes me realise that I am not the only one with such questions. I also have moments of doubting myself, questioning how and why we do the things we do, nevermind the benefit of such things. Sometimes we get caught up in our own thinking, and in our own fears that we don’t realise that there are other people who are as unsure as we are. We want so much to be our own version of ourselves but pressures and expectations of society instill fear in us. This is how things are done, it’s new year’s eve, let’s bring out the fireworks, it’s Christmas let’s play jingle bells, it’s valentines day, let’s be in love. “Let’s, let’s , let’s, “should you dare pull out of the let’s group your humanity will be questioned.

A sandwich caravan stops by in a near distance and as I watch you swing gracefully towards it, I can’t help but think what a crazy world we live in. I say crazy because we scramble to live in it as if there is a manual to direct us, yet there is none. There is none because everyone has to figure out how to live their own life to their greatest fulfilment. There is a person who largely changed my perspective on life, the way I see myself and my capabilities and the way the world works. When you return I would like to tell you about the impact he had on me.

A tribute to Makhulu.

Today is my grandmother’s birthday, she is eighty. I have been blessed to know her for many of those years, I won’t say how many, wouldn’t want anyone doing some calculations now, would we? I call her “Makhulu”, a Xhosa word for grandmother.

So Makhulu has this wicked and not so jolly sense humour and likes to tell us how much we will miss her once she scores herself a spot in the grave. Or how we will only be coming back for her funeral if we spend years without visiting her. Well, this is always directed to me, as I have a sickness of disappearing from the face of the earth every once in a while. I haven’t seen her in ages, also won’t say how many. I’m going to visit her today, and cannot contain the butterflies in my stomach.

I would never forgive myself if I had to tell people only when she is gone how much she stepped in as a co-parent and confidant for me. How the loving look in her eyes always convinced me that everything will be fine.How her sarcasm always cracked me up in the most bizarre way.How I always enjoyed sitting and listening to her stories, family history, life in the time of Ian Smith, buying cars in the spur of the moment courtesy of Muzorewa’s bonuses for civil servants, being married in a Xhosa home as a Ndebele woman and trying to adjust as an “Intlanga”, an infamous term the Xhosa people use for one who is not their own.

As my sisters and I talk about her, Ding points out the fact that Makhulu is not really a people’s person. She never pretends to like people, she never forces friendships, but it’s a different ball game with us. She loves us, she will follow up and check on us, her love for us is genuine. With us she throws away her pride, she becomes vulnerable.

Charmy wouldn’t bear the thought of not having a chance to tell her of how selfless and considerate she is. She knows her as one woman whose ability to give is not limited by lack, she will gladly sacrifice to be penniless or should I say bondless(Zim shenanigans), just to put a smile on her loved one’s faces. Natasha describes the way she is always fair, and kind as well. You see there are no grey areas with Makhulu, when you are wrong, you are wrong. She does have a bit of a quick tongue though, especially if you rub her up the wrong way. That woman will quickly tell you where to get off. She is big on respect and believes that it it’s earned, so she doesn’t dish it out where it’s not due. Which becomes a bit embarrassing for us when we see her not bulging and telling someone off.

Makhulu is easily one of the most giving and compassionate women I know. Growing up we had a lot of cousins, aunts and uncles living with us. I don’t know how it all worked out, all I know is that as a child I would think they were visitors but they became part of our lives. When she lost my grandfather, and we grew up and started going our way trying to figure out this life thing, she adopted secondary school students every year to occupy the second house in her compound. These were students whose homes were far from school, they were not from her village, she did not know their families, but she took them in, gave them a place to stay and saw them through the duration of their secondary education.

If she were to die, these are probably things that would be said on her eulogy and more. Some stuff would be exaggerated, people will make it seem like she was a perfect angel, (some people have this belief that you don’t speak ill of the dead.They can speak bad of you while you are alive, but not when you are dead.) Well, I don’t want to be scattering roses when Makhulu is gone. She is an amazing woman and I want her to know that she is appreciated, loved and cherished. I celebrate her life today and hope that I still have more with her.

The dungeon of emotional unavailability.

Amidst the cheerful noise and chatter, electric and joyful buzz of the night, I find a place where I can be alone. Inbetween the mingling, conversing and debating, I am all drained out and in need of a recharge. I can only hope you don’t spot me, think I need company and decide to come over. That will be another episode of unnecessary small talk because I will be avoiding the more personal details about me. That will be more of me letting out statements like, “I don’t want to go into that detail now,” or “no why don’t you rather tell me about yourself.” Even if you oblige and tell me about yourself, I would have to fight the urge to ask you more personal questions, because that gives you a fair opportunity to ask about me too. A give and take kind of conversation. If I do decide to tell you a bit about myself, I hope you do not think I am strange because of the awkward facial expressions I make as I tell you that bit. Its an awkwardness rooted in the fact that I rarely go deep in conversations about myself. I hardly put myself out there, I prefer invisibility, I am a ghost. As I talk about one intimate detail, I can not make sense of or hear what I am saying, I think I have the most awful storytelling ability. I cannot breathe, I cannot think properly. I thought talking about stuff is meant to be therapeutic, and yet here I am going through a mini panic attack.

The self-appointed experts on people’s behaviour have diagnosed my condition as emotional unavailability. The funny part is that even though I know that is not true, I use that as an excuse quite often. The benefits of this condition are that, people leave you alone when you tell them you don’t want to talk, they don’t force friendships and intimacy on you, they don’t want to scare you off. They do not expect you to stick around, there is no responsibility on you to look like you care. It has always been the perfect scapegoat, but not today. I don’t think I want to risk that at all, as inquisitive as you are, you will see right through the charade.

By the end of this night, you will realise that this is nothing but a shameless masquerade, unnatural, learned and mastered. It is a wall carefully built as a result of cowardice, it’s a sham in the name of strength, from the thought that prevention is better than cure. It is a selfish withholding of love and emotion in the fear of getting too attached, getting hurt and possibly hurting other people. It’s like the prison wall that someone starts to construct as a joke, but then it gets too tough to break, and despite the discomfort and dinginess the trapped prisoner has found a home and is afraid of venturing into a so-called free world, never mind the fact that he had no intention of being imprisoned in the first place. Is there ever a free world, or is it just a fantasy created by people who are easy on the tongue, people who are comfortable with their emotions, those who can bare their souls on a sleeve? For the imprisoned one, that kind of freedom is threatening to his identity, it’s like some reincarnation gone wrong, being given a body that he would have ordinarily chosen but he still can’t figure out how to be in it thereafter. It’s the moment he has been waiting for his whole damn life, but when it finally comes it overwhelms him into inaction, it numbs him. It is the shock realisation that someone is considered a confidant, how? if they cannot even confide in themselves?

“Mind if I join you?”, you say as you shovel the uneven ground with the chair you have grabbed, to safely secure your sitting. I let out a worried sigh, in a minute I will be exposed.

To be continued, the night is still young.

He ain’t no woman, he is a man.

One of my friends got wind of the fact that a rumour had been spreading about her. Almost everyone had been told her story and we knew who had been the catalyst of the rumour. A male friend of ours. As we expressed our shock at how he could spread such rumours, one person blurted, “that guy can not keep his mouth shut, he is such a woman”, we all agreed. Hell, he was such a woman, was it really necessary to go spreading such rumours and destroying people’s reputations?

I can not even begin to count the number of times a man has done something regrettable and with dire consequences, and his behaviour has been labelled as womanly. What I now find appalling the most is that women also join, that is if they do not pioneer in the dissing of men saying they are “women.” With regard to gossiping, lying, attention-seeking, narcissism, the list goes on-: These are traits that when a man displays he has to deal with his mates and women calling out for his titties. (excuse my language)

One of the easiest ways to strip a man of his dignity is to tell him how womanly he is. If a man is a sissy or weak, “oh he’s such a woman.” If he’s fussy and complains a lot, “oh he’s such a woman.” In fact, it is so bad to the extent that men who are into such careers as fashion designing, home interior and exterior designing and decor, culinary arts have been considered homosexual for a long time because those kind of disciplines were stereotypically believed to be for women. So these kind of men have been considered to be weak because they are taking on a woman’s job. For crying out loud, can’t a brother just do what he loves without people searching for an opening between his legs?

So here goes my two cents worth.,

Why not credit men’s imperfections where they belong. If a male is a gossiper, then surely it means in the male realm the demon of gossip exists, why shift the blame? Oh yeah, Adam did it first didn’t he? When he ate the forbidden fruit and was asked about it by God, he was quick to say the woman he had been given is the one who gave him the fruit. His answer could have been a simple yes or no since God had only asked him if he had eaten of the forbidden fruit or not. You could swear a gun had been held to our poor ancestor’s head for him to eat the fruit. So the way I see this is that, according to him, he disobeyed because of the woman, because disrespect is such a womanly thing, and under the power of the woman his discerning abilities had suddenly become numb.

So are we saying men are caused to act a certain way by women? Is that why we are quick to say, “John was a good man until he married Susan, he is now stingy. Its Susan’s fault.” But if Susan seems to become stingier after marriage, it’s not John’s fault, it’s her fault, this marriage business is getting to her head?

Women, please let’s agree on this.No man is a woman. They are strong in their own right and they are not as fragile as we want to treat them. Let them own their imperfections. They also gossip, they also lie, they also cause discord among people, hell they also love money and nice things and food etc. Next time a man does any of these things remember, he ain’t no woman, he is a man.

I am “The unconventional unpacker.”

On the 10th of February this year, as I was sitting and thinking about life, I grabbed my journal and started scribbling stuff. I was thinking of the many things I had planned to do but had not done. Among them was blogging. I did write in the journal that I have long had a wish to blog but fear of rejection consumed me. I was scared that I was going to start a blog and no one would be interested in what I would write.

There are a lot of other things I mentioned in the journal that I had not done and still have not done till now. (I have a serious backtracking and procrastinating problem, which I am slowly but surely working on.)So I am glad to say that on that very day I grabbed my phone, downloaded the WordPress app and in less than thirty minutes I had a blog site, but absolutely nothing to write.

Nine months later, following a series of inconsistent writing and posting, I may be gaining some footing. I dedicated this year to some self-introspection, to learn about myself and figure out what makes me tick. Honestly, at this ripe age of donkey years, I still had not figured it out. If you are like as I was, and you don’t know who you are, trust me it’s worth the time, get to know yourself and learn to be in love with yourself. This is what I learnt about myself.

I am a very passionate person. When I get busy with something I like, I do it with my utmost strength, and I love it when people recognise my efforts. So if I do something well and you see it, do not be economical with the praises and comments. I may act modest but deep down I like the acknowledgement. I want to be taken seriously, and I become overly sensitive if I am brushed off for whatever reason.

Here are some of the things I am passionate about.

People and their esteem issues.

I am passionate about people and how they perceive themselves. I have experienced first hand how lack of faith and esteem in yourself can ruin your life, and I want other people to know it too. I can not entertain a person looking down on themselves and thinking they are inadequate, that makes me want to break stuff. If we have a society of self-haters and negative thinkers then we and our children and generations to come, are doomed. People should learn to embrace themselves in their different packages.No two people are exactly the same, we are different, in terms of likes, looks, talents, capabilities. But we all need each other, so the person who sits in the corner feeling pity for himself and feeling worthless does not only destroy his life, he drags the progress of those who are trying to make a mark in this world.

Women and the stereotypes surrounding them.

I am a sensitive freak when it comes to the issue of women. I believe women are special beings but they are not rightly celebrated in society. They are expected to give, give and give and when they take, they are labelled with a lot of horrible names. I want women to know their worth, to refuse to settle for anything less than they deserve and to be able to express themselves in the best way they feel, the same way as a man would, without fear of judgement, or people snorting remarks like, “It’s unbecoming of a woman.” I idealise a place where women can live out their best and wildest imaginations without fear of abuse, or ill-treatment. Where women can learn to defeat the “pull her down syndrome” and learn to celebrate, encourage and embrace each other.Where the woman who is making it in life is ready to pull the struggling one up, rather than kick her to the curb.

Black people and their place in society.

I feel that as black people we still have so much to explore and so many opportunities await us, if only we could be open enough to tap into them. I wish black people could learn to break off from the dependency syndrome. Dependency in white-owned businesses for income, dependency in white saturated neighbourhoods for acceptance and prestige, the list goes on and on,(this is a blog post for another day, not to be addressed here). If only black people could learn to pride themselves in their culture and realise that it’s time to stop pointing out the problems in their communities and start looking for solutions.If only the so-called educated black scholars would use their intellect to point the black nation to success rather than point out the illiteracy and ignorance of black people and constantly compare us to western communities.

I am a closed-off person, I don’t express or say much about what I feel. In fact, it’s difficult for me to say out what I think, it’s always too intense. What sits in my brain is deep, some of it comes off as crazy. I think about things that a lot of us think about but would never say. I unpack that which has long been stuffed in bags and hidden in the corner, that which we would rather sweep under the carpet and not talk about. I believe it needs unravelling. Hence I have described this blog as “the unconventional unpacker”. The topics I will write about are bound to make people angry at times, people will have opposing opinions too. Other people will, and already like my previous posts so far. However, more than anything, my writing is going to be thought-provoking. It will stir up a conversation and propel people to have a different perspective about life. My thoughts will be controversial sometimes, they will seem like they are off the road, but make no mistake, you will soon realise that a lot of us actually think like that but we never let it out.

I have found my voice, I am “The unconventional unpacker..”

Being the unsuccessful friend.

This is how your life has fizzled out.

Just the other day, you were a whimsy little kid, carefree in demeanor, muddy play dates and mischievous escapades were the order of the day. You had a pack of friends, high on life and together you were chock full of dreams and ambition. As maturity kicked in, dreams became not just a plaything, but something seriously worth considering. You and the pack were transitioning to adulthood, and you developed an impressive array of goals. Ideas were discussed, would be solutions brainstormed for current problems, constant debates carried out, this was all part of a brilliant idea to change the world and in the process leave a positive imprint.

As the years swing by, you and your pack scatter. Some would call it life, as it happens. You get to attend different colleges, with others moving to a different city or country altogether. A sudden death of one from the pack brings you together. Shattering how short and unfair life can be. For such a young soul, still jam-packed with dreams and world-changing ability, to be viciously snatched at the prime of his life. But then the show must go on, right? Death is, after all, a great part of life. And along the way, you do meet again, this time for a wedding, a birthday party, a graduation, everything spelling happy memories.

In between these happy and sad events though, life takes over. You are human, you have your challenges. You make your own fair share of stupid decisions along the way, they come back, sometimes to collect where it stings the most. You are down and out, or so you think. ( hold that thought. )

And one morning as you hurriedly drink your coffee, while half concentrating on the news channel because you are late for your crappy job, you hear that a young man has been appointed as CEO to one of the most prestigious companies in the country. As you watch apathetically, something clicks. “Wait a second!, shucks I know this guy. ” Of course, you do, he was part of your pack. Now he is accomplishing great things, “a mover and a shaker” , they say. When your mother calls later, she casually asks if you watched the morning news. “Isn’t that one of your friends from across the road?” she asks. She knows pretty well he is, they may have moved away when you were still kids but she damn well knows it is him. And in that moment, you sense an accusing tone in her line of questioning. As if she is saying, “so what happened to you. Why is he up there, and you are still trying to figure things out down here? Where did I go wrong with you?”

So then you start thinking about how you lost your groove and your friends. How you withdrew when things were not falling into place as fast as you wanted. As you saw your friends settle in their comfortable careers, and marriages, travelling all around the world, the green monster was slowly revealing its ugly fangs. You didn’t understand or like the idea of being the jealous loser friend, so you quietly backed away. You remember how an annoying woman, whose relation to your mother you have never understood in the first place, who you call, “aunty” because your mother insists, came by the house and offered to take you to her church prophet so that he can tell you why you are not making it in life. With a respectful tone lacking in all forms of sincerity, you thanked her but declined her offer, just to wonder years later if you should have just gone with her, despite your loathing of these religious so-called “man of God. ” Without realizing it, you have become the “unsuccessful friend.” The one whose opinion does not matter, the one who can never pay for a round of drinks because he is behind in rental payments, the one who cannot even attend a high school or college reunion, because he does not have anything to show after so many years, the one who cannot comment on any posts of social media for fear of being recognized and pulled out from the hole they are hiding in.

Now here is the worst thing about this whole situation. Your friends have never described you as their “unsuccessful friend”. They probably don’t even think that of you. It shows in their constant checking up, asking what you are doing. They are not being nosy, they just think because of the brilliant person they know you to be, that you are doing something big, and they want to be there in support when it pans out. The enemy is yourself. You are the one who has given up on life and given yourself this label. You feel pity for yourself, and you cannot handle another person pitying you as well, it’s degrading. As life is yet to teach you, people treat you in accordance with how you view yourself. If you think you are awesome, people will treat you like they would treat an awesome person. If you think you are a loser, they will treat you like they would a loser.

I have been the “unsuccessful friend” for five years. Well, it is almost past tense now, as it is still a work in progress. Self-inflicted negative words have an eroding effect on one’s confidence and potential. So getting out of that zone can be a really tough battle, you have to be strong, be kind to yourself, pick and dust yourself up. This is a blog I wanted to write when I had completely broken out of the rubble. I wanted to write a testimony and show people that I have done it, but hell, why wait? I am already doing it anyway, I might as well help cheer on someone who is still stuck in the dingy “unsuccessful friend” zone.

This is one of the topics that we avoid, especially when we feel beaten up and defeated by life. Many of us self wallow and disappear into the unknown, never attempting to rekindle the dreams and ambitions we once had. I am a strong believer in the fact that you cannot envision something you are not capable of doing. The fact that you haven’t achieved it does not take anything from your capability of doing so. Now being stuck in the shadow of being an unsuccessful friend can be a serious stumbling block in one’s progress in life. One that needs discipline and perseverance to overcome.

So what is it going to be, an unsuccessful friend for life or the break out of the rubble friend? Only you can decide.

The idea that men should make the first move is overrated.

So I was listening to a certain pastor whose name I’ve forgotten the other day. The man of God was delivering a nice motivational speech, encouraging women, and along the way, he tells women that they are queens. According to the pastor, a queen does not chase after a man or make a move on a man. The man should call first, and if he does not, the woman should never think of calling, because that tarnishes her “queen” status. I liked the motivational talk, till he got to that part.

I have a difficulty accepting things for the way they have always been, no questions asked.Sure if it’s not broken it does not need fixing,and yes there is a reason for everything and all that, but i think sometimes we need to question and challenge some of these long standing rules.

Now I have no problem with the “Queen” part. Yes, women are jewels, and I like it if men realise and appreciate that. Here is my bone of contention, why does the man always have to be the one to make the first move on a woman. Why not the woman sometimes. I mean why can’t a woman make a move on a man without being made to feel like the scum of the earth. Why is it deemed so undignified for a woman to simply express her feelings, which by the way come naturally as a result of being human like it is for the man? Why is it suddenly degrading when a woman makes the first call, why must she even wait days before she can call, why not call on the first day?

Because men love the chase, because men are natural born hunters , they value you more if they pursue you.Because women’s feminine qualities are receptive, while the man’s masculine qualities are forward and proactive in nature.I know this is the part where psychologists and counsellors throw in their two cents worth of reasons why women should never ever make the first move.

From a non-psychological, unresearched, unapproved but purely personal point of view, I think it’s high time we challenge the status quo. Women should join the game and do the chasing from time to time.

By now you may be thinking this woman is going bananas, but just read on and hear me out. However while im still here, I want to break the laws of English writing and give my conclusion right away.The idea of men having to make the first move is completely overrated ,and if i may add,to a certain degree grossly unfair.

The unfortunate problem of more single women.

The next time a woman tells you she is single, (I am talking about an ideal type of woman here, I am not about to go into debate about character and all that shenanigan).Consider the fact that the woman may be single, not because there are no men queuing up for her, not because she has issues or she is abnormal, but maybe because she would rather be single than just settle for just any type of man that shows interest in her. The thing is, this woman may already have her “ideal man” on her radar, she probably sees and talks to that man on a regular basis, but she will always look on from a distance because the man in this equation is oblivious of the woman’s interest. So where does this leave the “Queen”, who has been told that it is unladylike make a move on men? , Single.

If it had been a man who was interested in the oblivious woman, he would go for her,regardless of the fact that she does not notice him, make his intentions clear and the woman would probably after a bit of persuasion and getting to know the man agree to be in a relationship with him.Easy peasy?Probably not, but achievable.

Come to think of it, how many times have you deprived yourself of love simply because you were scared of letting a man know how you feel.I can’t blame any woman who has had this dilemma , God knows i am the biggest loser when it comes to this topic.We have been taught as women to sit ,look pretty , prepare yourself for the perfect partner,work on yourself so that by the time he comes he finds you ready and totally girlfriend or wife material.And sometimes those men are not even boyfriend or husband material when they do come, and then you as the woman, have to work again to make that man someone worth building a life with.For what reason should women have to go through this.Why can’t a woman be allowed to go to a man and say, “listen, i like you, i think you and i could be good together because of this and that.”

What choice do women have when it comes to choosing a partner?

You see we are pre -occupied with other people’s cultures, noticing the specks and imperfections in their way of doing things , yet we ignore our own issues.How many times have we scorned cultures that still practice the custom of arranged marriages.We go on about how unfair and archaic it is. “Oh at least i get to choose who i spend my life with,”you say.

Do you really? Here is how I see it, in a shop full of clothes, the woman is presented with a selected few, and told to choose only from those. She sees the sequin dress by the corner, it’s pretty and more of her style, but it’s not among the rack of clothing presented to her, so she must act as if she hasn’t noticed it, or just admire it from a distance, never mind the fact that she can afford it.She has been presented with jeans, and suits, which are all cool and nice, but she would have liked to have more options.She would have wanted to walk out in the sequin dress.

Then comes the man, to the same shop..A rack of clothing is presented to him,as done for the woman.However his choice is not only limited to that rack, he sees the suit that he probably doesn’t afford at the far end, he likes it.So he starts to negotiate for the suit that was not part of the rack he was given, he does not sound cheap as he negotiates, until finally, he leaves the shop with his nice and expensive suit, a happy and satisfied man.Both the man and woman had choices here,no one was forced to take what they did not want, but clearly, the woman had a limited choice.

The point i am trying to bring across here, is that women have a choice only from the men who approach them.The rest are off limits.Whereas if they get afforded a chance to go for the man standing shyly by the corner, the one who hasn’t noticed her, even though she has been eyeing him, then we have a fair playing ground.By now you could be snorting a come back along the lines of, “if he didn’t approach you,then he’s just not that into you.”Well, yeah right!How many people have you thought at face value you couldn’t stand, only to realise they are the most fun, intelligent people you could have ever known.Im in the business of reading books,not judging them by their cover, and so are many other people out there,they just need a chance to get to know the real you and they will come along.

Lets get it over and done with already .

As a woman, you are expected to wait for the man to make a move, call first, be the first to tell you that he likes you. If there is a man you are interested in and you want him to notice you, there are a lot of magazine articles, books and movies to help you out, titles like, “how to get him to notice you, how to make him realise you are the one, how to get him to make a move on you, what turns men off about women.”

There is no worse feeling than constantly checking your phone for messages , checking if the network is on, scrambling to reach out for your phone when you hear the beep of a message , only to see it’s a goddamned MTN message, informing you that you have used 50% of your data bundle.

For crying out loud, why can’t you just tell him.Why go through all the acting and signal dishing. “You seem desperate if you chase a man.”, they say.Who comes up with these rules anyway?I mean since when is knowing what you want and taking steps to get it an act of desperation.I’d say desperation is settling for a man you would not have ordinarily been with, because your “type” did not ask you out.

I did say in the beginning that I have trouble accepting rules for what they are.Some conventional methods of doing things are quite a drag sometimes.So for those about to tell me that some things should just be left as they are, i am stopping you in your tracks. There are women out there who die in silence, shamed by emotions and feelings they do not know how to address, this is reality.

A word of advice, only to be taken by the brave and carefree woman. If you know the man you like and you are sure of yourself, go for him. But leave room for some disappointment as well. Why wouldn’t you? The same way you are uninterested in some of your suitors, your crush can also shock you by letting it known that he is not in a tidbit interested. There is a high possibility though that you may have struck the perfect spot, and you get your happy ending. Women deserve happy endings. Find your own.

What I understand about happiness.

Happiness is probably the most sought out, hidden treasure of this planet.I mean, who does not want to be happy? You see,almost everything we chase, is in the pursuit of happiness, be it money, relationships, love, power, education, you name it.

The Oxford dictionary describes happiness as “the state of being satisfied that something is good or right.” This definition,though obviously right, confused me.It made me question whether we can ever be truly happy, whether happiness can ever be a lifestyle.I mean how often is it ever good or right with us?

I posed a question as my WhatsApp status, “what is happiness to you? When do you say this is it, I am happy?”Here are some of the responses I got..

• “Happiness is being content, particularly with what you are and what you have.”
• “It is when you are content in your environment, your circumstances and people around you.”
• “Happiness is when you don’t think or worry about anything because all you need surrounds you. Happiness comes from within, I feel happy when I am surrounded by the right people, that is, people I love.”
• “Unconditional love.Sometimes I wake up at 12 midnight and look at my baby’s pics and i feel like nothing is as important as her.”
• “Happiness is an ever-changing mood, …it’s an on and off thing.”

When I posed the happiness question on my WhatsApp, I expected my inbox to flood with responses. In five minutes my status had been viewed by twenty people, but I had responses from only two people. So I decided to track the ones who had viewed the status in their inboxes, to ask them personally. I wanted their personal opinion, not what they’ve read in the dictionary, or what some philosopher thought. I realised that many of us cannot put this emotion or feeling to words. One of my friends told me that he would have to sit and really think what happiness means. I understood where he was coming from, personally, this word has been a great obsession in my mind for weeks now. I haven’t come up with an exceptional definition or phrase to describe it, but over the past few days, this is what I have gathered or come to understand with regard to happiness.

Happiness does not need to be published.

When a person is happy, they don’t need to prove their happiness by publishing it. It is not necessary to yell from the rooftop that one is happy. If happiness exists, it shows. One’s demenor, the way they carry themselves and relate to people will always show. I am not saying people who post their happiness on social media are not happy, or pretending.It goes without saying though, that publishing it is not a requisite.So whether one publishes it or not it does not add to, or remove from the principal, that is in fact happiness.

You do not need a stamp of approval from people on your source of happiness.

There are people who have appointed themselves as society prefects,who think something is not right unless they think it is.They will put everything you do under microscopic view, and just when you settle in your happiness they will come up with reasons as to why you cannot possibly be happy.”How can he be happy driving such a small car?, how can she be happy being a secretary?,how can she be happy being a second wife?,how can he be happy living in such a cold country?, how can he be happy spending so much time alone?”Hey, happiness is a personal thing, it has nothing to do with anybody else, it’s a gift from the universe to you,embrace it.I have noticed that sometimes people’s opinions weigh heavily on us.Just because your idea of happiness is not the conventional method , you tone it down to accommodate other people’s expectations.The glory of feeling normal and appreciated may last a while but once it wears off ,you will be so incomplete and will be scrambling to grab the remaining pieces of your sanity.That is a sorry state to find oneself in .

Happiness is a decision.

We will rarely ever have everything we need or want at the exact time we need or want it.Sometimes the timing is completely off, things may not go the way we want.Emotions change everyday.You will not be in a happy mood everyday,one day you will fight with the love of your life, the next you may be in huge debt, or you may lose a parent or child.But you can decide to have a comprehensive life of happiness ,whereby no matter what happens, you do not let it get to you.This made sense to me when someone gave me this response for my question on WhatsApp.She said, “happiness is everyday.” I said, ” What do you mean?”She said, ” I am always happy because i don’t let the bad stuff get to me,and it works out for me at the end”.This made me take cognisance of the fact that we are not living in an ideal perfect world where we are shielded from daggers and swords,but in all this ,we still have the power of decision, that is to chose happiness

Happy people spread happiness, love and peace.

I am yet to meet a happy person who sows discord, sadness and hatred wherever they go.As happiness is something that is from within,it’s only natural that when a happy person has to let out something,it’s a cute package of happiness.We’ve all heard of the phrase,” garbage in garbage out”,right?So yeah, if you’ve always wondered why Mr Somebody is always sour and nasty to people, you might have your answer, he is probably unhappy.Ok so we all have our moments hey, that aunt flow time of the month where the smile just wears off and you are not so friendly.Lets blame that on biology, shall we? I think every person has a right to such moments in their life.But if the ugly moments run throughout the whole year, and they are an everyday thing, “honey, you are a sad, sad person go find you(sic) some happiness.”

Happiness can not be bought

Sadly no amount of money can buy you happiness.I have often heard this statement,”its better to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle in the rain.”Hmm, I’d take the BMW option too, but let’s not ignore this fact, both people are crying here, their positions may differ but the discharge from the eyes is the same isshh, salty liquid(tears).So having money, (which, by the way is a very good thing, )will not guarantee happiness.It would be nice though if you are happy and you have money, woow what a bonus, i would call it having all the pringles in the box.

Happiness requires you to be your biggest cheerleader

For you to be happy, and to maintain your happiness,you need to be in love with yourself.You will have to be kind to yourself, be patient, and understanding.Realise that you may not get all the pringles in your box, others will slowly disappear, but do not beat yourself up about it.When you are hurt, take care of yourself, when you fail, give yourself another chance, when you are overwhelmed, take time out for yourself.

Mind your happiness

You can not build your happiness on other people’s sorrow.No matter what you think about it being personal and all,I think there must be boundaries in the way you acquire your portion.The moment your so called, ” happiness” is built upon selfishness,it’s bound to come bitting you back in the butt.Actually I can not describe that as happiness,I think it’s more of a thrill, or even excitement, it will be short lived.Other people’s tears are certainly not a good foundation to build your happiness, no matter how hard you justify it.

When all fails , recognise that you need to be happy, not just for yourself, but for the people who love you

The greatest assets we possess, as I see it, are the people we love and who love us.They are what drives us to want to be better people, to work hard.I have my parents, my sisters and my grandmother.I would do anything for those people , they are my world.Who do you have?When you identify those people , understand that if you can not find happiness for yourself,you’ve got to atleast try doing it for them.If they love you as they say,chances are they will be happy if you are happy.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”

It was Martin Luther King who uttered the words above. Never have they sounded with so much resonance as they do now, in the wake of the atrocious crimes being committed against women and children in South Africa during the past few months.

It must have hit a nerve now, especially because it was women’s month, but this has been going on way longer than a few months. Sadly, South Africa is not the only country faced with this evil, this has become a global pandemic. It is a nightmare that the people who are meant to be protectors and pillars of society are the ones being hands-on, in destroying it.

A few months ago I wrote an article about the younger generation not giving regard to the older generation, and I received this feedback from one of my friends.

I did not really pay attention to the comment at that time, but now more than ever it rings true. Surely the next generation is always going to feel betrayed and sold out by us if we sit and fold our hands while they get raped, tortured and murdered every day. My son or daughter is going to ask me one day, what I did about these savage attacks on women and children, I do not want to choke on my reply.

I don’t know what needs to be said or done, all I know is that silence can no longer be our loudest cry, there is nothing golden about it at this moment. Silence and inaction are the reason why evil prevails in the first place, the so-called “good men”, choose to do nothing and observe from the terraces.
I bumped into a friend’s WhatsApp status during the week, this is what it said,

then it hit me, I am not powerless, I will not sit and watch women being beaten, raped and killed. It could be me tomorrow. I will speak about it, I will write about it, one way or the other, in solidarity with other women, the message will get across.
It’s time we spoke against those who molest and putrefy our society. Fighting and taking a stand does not always involve protests and street fights.

If you can not take it to the streets, tweet about it, use your social media platforms, sing about it, paint about it, pray about it, get involved with the victims, help them heal, show them, love, hell, just do something, anything helpful.

As a woman I say enough is enough, gone are the days when we sit and watch and hope for better days, a safer future starts now, with us.